“It’s fun to shoot some people. I’ll be right upfront with you, I like brawling.”
- Infantry officer Lt. Gen. James N. Mattis
“[Donald Rumsfeld] is doing a spectacular job, and the president has great confidence in him”
- Chief of Staff, Andrew Card
“This issue of the secretary of defence not personally signing the letters is just astounding to me… I have no confidence in Rumsfeld”
- Republican Senator Chuck Hagel
“We still don’t know what the deal is what that thing in Bush’s back, but I tell you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with stem cell research.”
-Bill Maher, on the bulge in Bush’s back during the first presidential debate
“Compared with the BBC’s studied neutrality, Fox comes across as a kind of Gong Show of propaganda.”
- Russ Baker, in The Nation
“The W stands for wrong choices, wrong judgement, wrong priorities, wrong direction for our country.”
- John Kerry
“The vice president even called me unfit for office last night, I guess I’ll leave it up to the voters whether five deferments makes someone more qualified to defend this nation than two tours of duty.”
- John Kerry commenting on Dick Cheneys’ RNC speech
“They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we’re going to see OutKast, they know it’s a band and not a bunch of misfits.”
- Jenna Bush
“I just want you to know, President Bush, I want you to know how hard I’ve been working for you here in California. I’ve been organizing Republicans for Bush-Cheney. I’ve been organizing Austrian-born bodybuilders for Bush-Cheney. I have been even organizing girlie men for Bush-Cheney.”
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
“John Kerry had enough conviction to sign up for the military during wartime, unlike the vice president, who had a deep conviction to avoid military service”
- Sen. Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey responding to Cheneys’ attacks on Kerry
“Dick Clarke just does not know what he is talking about. He wasn’t involved in most of the meetings of the administration.”
- Condoleezza Rice
“A vote for change is a vote for a stronger, safer, healthier America. A vote for Bush is a vote for a divided, unstable, paranoid America. It is our duty to this beautiful land to let our voices be heard. That’s the reason for the tour. That’s why I’m doing it.”
- Dave Matthews
“I felt like I couldn’t have written the music I’ve written, and been on stage singing about the things that I’ve sung about for the last twenty five years and not taken part in this particular election.”
- Bruce Springsteen
“So many minority youths had volunteered that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself.”
- Tom Delay [R] House Majority Leader on how he got out of the draft
“I am angry that so many of the sons of the powerful and well-placed managed to wangle slots in Reserve and National Guard units”
- Colin Powell 1995
“I would kill George Bush”
- Kirsten Dunst, if she was Spiderman for a day
“I have been nonpolitical for 30 years, but I am disturbed these days, I would give my life to prevent another Vietnam War from affecting our youth, but here it happened again. My values are better represented by the Democrats today.”
- Steve Wozniak – Apple Computer co-founder
[Bush] didn’t have enough confidence in his civil rights record to stand in front of you”
- Julian Bond, chair of the NAACP’s board at the NAACP convention
“Over the years senator Kerry has voted over 350 times for higher taxes.”
- Dick Cheney
“John Edwards is in, and the gloves are off.”
- Miles O’Brien – CNN
“Faced with a Bush ad onslaught about his ‘pessimism’, Kerry has picked a running mate whose face and manner exudes Carolinian sunshine”
- Richard Wolffe – Newsweek
“John and I will lead the most spirited presidential campaign America has ever seen and fight to lead our nation in a new and better direction.”
- John Kerry
“[Go] Fuck yourself”
- Dick Cheney shows off his debating skills against Sen. Patrick Leahy
“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”
- Sun-tzu, The Art of War
“Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’”
- Jay Leno
“NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral.”
- Conan O’Brien
“It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority.”
- Benjamin Franklin
“My dog Millie knows more about foreign policy than those two bozos.”
- George Bush Sr., on Bill Clinton and Al Gore
“The emperor has no clothes, when are people going to face the reality? Pull this curtain back.”
- Nancy Pelosi, D-California, on George W. Bush
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God”
- Matthew 19:24
“This was like The Perfect Storm. First our traders were able to buy power for $250 in California, sell it to Arizona for $1,200, then resell it to California for five times that amount.”
- Steve Barth, former Enron trader
“The threat from Saddam Hussein and weapons of mass destruction – chemical, biological, potentially nuclear weapons capability – that threat is real.”
- Tony Blair
“We don’t start a job that we can’t finish… that’s the American way.”
- Paul Wolfowitz
“I don’t do quagmires.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“If you foul up, tell the President and correct it fast. Delay only compounds mistakes.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“Bad news isn’t wine. It doesn’t improve with age.”
- Colin Powell
“The plan was criticized by some retired military officers embedded in TV studios. But with every advance by our coalition forces, the wisdom of that plan becomes more apparent.”
- Dick Cheney
“I guess it’s row vs wade, and it’s my right to choose”
- Homer J. Simpson when trying to cross a lake
“I think after September 11th the American people are valuing life more and realizing that we need policies to value the dignity and worth of every life.. particularly at a time when we’re facing an enemy, and really the fundamental difference between us and the terror network we fight is that we value every life.”
- Karen Hughes on the issue of abortion and its place in the presidential campaign.
“As I was telling my husb… As I was telling President Bush.”
- Condoleezza Rice
“John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”
- David Letterman
“We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.”
- Dick Cheney
“Things have gotten so bad in this country, you look back at Richard Nixon with nostalgia.”
- Ralph Nader
“I would like to have her testimony under the penalty of perjury”
- Thomas H. Kean, 9/11 commission’s chairman talking of Condoleezza Rice
“It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.”
- Dick Cheney
“President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they’re called Kerry campaign workers.”
- Craig Kilborn
“We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they’re still there.”
- Jay Leno
“It’s the one year anniversary of the Iraq war. President Bush and Dick Cheney shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook of made-up intelligence.”
- Bill Maher
“Today you and I can send a powerful message to John Kerry. We can promise him that we will never let him stand alone in the face of Republican attacks”
- Bill Clinton
“Whatever the explanation, whatever nuances he might fault us for neglecting, it is not an impressive record for someone who aspires to become commander in chief in this time of testing for our country.”
- Dick Cheney on John Kerry
“I would certainly hope that we could raise the level of this debate”
- Senator John McCain (R – Arizona)
“These guys [Republicans] are the most crooked, you know, lying group I’ve ever seen.”
- John Kerry
“Bush arguably has committed the greatest strategic blunder in modern memory. To put it bluntly, he attacked the wrong target…”
- James Webb, secretary of the Navy in the Reagan administration
“I don’t believe anyone that I know in the administration ever said that Iraq had nuclear weapons.”
- Donald Rumsfeld, May 14, 2003
“It just isn’t. There are certain things like that, myths that are floating around. I’m glad you asked. This war has nothing to do with oil, literally nothing to do with oil.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“He’s the bosses son who comes in and fires you, that’s who George Bush is.”
- Bill Maher
“He went in to Panama to get Noriega because he was the big coke dealer, that must have went over well with junior. ‘Thanks dad’”
- Bill Maher on George Sr and Jr.
“Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who’s flying it. Didn’t George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?”
- Craig Kilborn
“Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter’s wedding.”
- Jon Stewart, on Bush proposing a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage
“Disarmament by war and democracy by occupation are difficult prospects.”
- Hans Blix
“It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”
- David Letterman
“Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’”
-David Letterman
“It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”
- David Letterman
“Scientists at NASA have stopped high-fiving. It seems that the Mars rover no longer wants to talk to us. So minutes ago President Bush announced that this proves that Mars is not cooperating with our inspection and the war is on.”
- Bill Maher
“There’s a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that’s the first new job he’s created since taking office.”
- David Letterman
“Don’t automatically obey Presidential directives if you disagree or if you suspect he hasn’t considered key aspects of the issue.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down.”
- Jay Leno
“There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since… President Bush.”
- David Letterman
“A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace.”
- Jay Leno
“President Bush is getting a little desperate to justify the war. He’s looking for a country music star to write a song called, ‘Sometimes America Just Likes to Kick Some Ass.’”
- Jay Leno
“You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars… When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, ‘Is it regular or unleaded?’”
- Craig Kilborn
“President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme – “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn’t that a condom ad?”
- Jay Leno
“Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?”
- Jay Leno
“Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He’s suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can’t really figure out because he’s not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights.”
- Bill Maher
“Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress.”
- Jay Leno
“A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar and stole two planes, flying one into an power line, thus fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard.”
- Tina Fey, SNL “Weekend Update”
“Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he was there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt.”
- Tina Fey
“The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Fox News.”
- Craig Kilborn
“The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They’re actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds – kind of like his stint in the National Guard.”
- David Letterman
“Bush went on to attack the Democrats’ policies. (Bush says) ‘Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.’ Hmm. So you’re concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America’s standing in the world. Interesting… that you would think that’s still possible.”
- Jon Stewart
“Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.”
- Conan O’Brien
“In his latest campaign commercial, President Bush talks about ‘times of change.’ If he thinks these times are changing, wait till November.”
- Jay Leno
“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”
- David Letterman
“He is purple – the gay pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay pride symbol.”
- Jerry Falwell, on Teletubbies character Tinky Winky
“I’m not into this detail stuff. I’m more concepty.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“We do know, of certain knowledge, that (Bin Laden) is either in Afghanistan or in some other country or dead.”
- Donald Rumsfeld
“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way – all of them who have tried to secularize America – I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’”
- Jerry Falwell directs blame for 9/11. September 13 2001
